The universe exists to shit on people like me.

For every tiny good thing that happens in my life, it's "balanced" out by something huge and horrific. The death of a loved one. Loss of a job. Health woes. Abandonment by a lover.

I've been alone for more than three years now. Ill for over twenty years. Living in breaking poverty for almost four years.

Death seems like a much kinder alternative. No joy, sure, but no pain, either. Better by far than this existence.