there are two things about me that are important to know if you know me. 1) i view everything living in the world -- human, animal, or plant -- as more important than me. Not in any noble sort of way, like a Buddhist or anything. No, i just think that i am so useless and worthless that even the tick that bit your cousin Susie and gave her Lyme disease contributes more to the world than me. Hitler? Better than me. Trump? Better than me. Ivan the Terrible? Better than me. 2) i don't like bothering people with my problems. i especially am afraid it will make them mad at me/not like me.

i should be on medication. i should be seeing a shrink at least weekly. i am not. i am alone. i don't so much want to kill myself (most of the time) because then i would be responsible for hurting my loved ones, as i hope i just die of natural causes somehow (which would then not be my fault).

i can't think of many people who would put forth even the smallest amount of extra effort to see how i'm doing. three of them, my dad and grandma and a very close friend, are all dead.

i am worthless. i am useless. i am a fucking moron. i was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder when i was 12, but i can remember feeling this way as far back as age 9, when my parents got divorced.

the only thing i am still sticking around for is my cats, who cannot take care of themselves and are too old to be rehomed (13 - 16 - 18.5). but when they die, i can end my life if i want to. my mom is in a nursing home and may be dead by then. my daughters are grown adults. my brother is married. everyone has a life of their own with other people in it. i am the only one who has to be alone.

i have been here 12 days and filled out 165 job applications and i do not have a job yet. i am a total leech. everyone must somehow know how useless i am and not hire me.

i have never contributed anything of value to the world. i only use and take.

tomorrow i will be 50.

i miss my dad. i miss my grandma. i miss my friend Jack. i miss my cat Nico. i want to be where they are.

hang self in garage throw self in front of truck find poison plants growing wild and eat them (being an herbalist is useful) stop taking blood pressure medication and have a heart attack slash wrists in bathtub. they say it's dangerous if you have a plan to kill yourself but i have lots of plans so I must not be dangerous. i don't want to be here any more and no one else wants me either. i am alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone.

the executive dysfunction inherent in my mental illness prevents me from asking anyone for help because i don't want to bother them because they might get mad. i am not that important, after all. please help me. i cannot get on medicaid here even though i sent in every document i could and haven't had a job in a month. no one loves me and i contribute nothing and i am alone and i don't have a job and i am useless and worthless and i want to die and i am a leech and everyone hates me. please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please.

objectively i know i am not thinking rationally and this is not normal but i can't help myself. please help me.

P.S. i'm sorry. i know i don't deserve to live. i have earned nothing, not even the air i breathe.